Today, I want to share a story about an experience that enriched my life in so many ways. It is a long and in many aspects a very sad story but please go through the painful part because without the painful part, the good part would have no meaning (like all other things in our life). Thank you!
My father got really sick in November 2009. He knew about his illness for many years but in October - November his condition got worse and worse. He lost a lot of weight, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t breath well, and he got out of bed less and less. I was already studying nutrition and holistic medicine for a few years, looking for ways to help him. I convinced him to try Gerson therapy, that involved lots of fresh fruits and vegetables juices but they couldn’t have him at the clinic because the illness was too severe so we tried it at home. I was eating only raw foods for a few months and I got myself a juicer that I brought to my parents house and we tried doing the Gerson therapy. It was too hard for him so he couldn’t do it more than 3 weeks.
It was at the same time that I started learning about the mind – body connection and I was more and more convinced that the way we think affects our reality.
My father used to be a very critical person. He was critical about himself, about us, about the world. Now I know that this kind of thinking can create a lot of trouble in your body. Criticizing your self and others puts you in a negative vibration, attracting in to your life more and more reasons to complain and to be dissatisfied.
I started studying healing therapies, energetic healing, working with the energy and tried it on my father but nothing worked. It was very hard for me to even introduce him my ideas because he was very negativist and criticized everything I said. He said these ideas are stupid and he called me and Luci “the philosophers” :)
I wanted so much to help him, I would have done anything. So, because nothing worked, I was very tormented, I spent a lot of time blaming myself that I didn’t do enough, that I could look for more alternatives, that I could stay more at home, even though I went home almost every weekend and spent more than half of my time at my parents house. I was including my father’s healing in every wish list I have ever made in that period. I wanted to find a way of curing him and I was more and more convinced that he would heal. Otherwise, nothing made sense!
Me and Luci fasted on vegetable and fruits juices for one week before Easter and we prayed for a miracle to happen on the Friday before Easter. My father was quite different in that day, he said to me after taking a bath: “Now that I’ve changed my clothes I feel like I’ve changed my soul. I will do as you keep telling me and I will think more positive!” I was so glad to hear that. My heart was singing!
The miracle didn’t happen on Easter but we were optimistic!
Days passed on. My father was worse, than better, than worse and in the mean time I went through a lot of emotions. Sometimes I felt optimistic but most of the time I felt desperate. I was angry at the situation, I was blaming myself, I felt helpless and I saw my life as unfair. After all the things I’ve done….this was not fair!
I was always searching for new ways to help, and when founding a new one I got so happy. I ran over to my father to share it and in that moment it was like hitting a brick wall. It was almost like he didn’t want to be helped. He refused, criticized, mocked all the methods or therapies and then accused them of making him feel worse.
The situation got so bad that he could barely get out of bad, he couldn’t eat, he started having this delirium. He saw some weird creatures in the room and he was afraid to sleep so he slept less and less until he ended up sleeping no more than a few moments and even than with his eyes half opened. He was having panic attacks and he wanted my mother to be always there with him.
This condition lasted a couple of months. During this time he ate less and less, he was nourished mostly from the infusions, he slept less and less and he couldn’t get out of bed without help. We went to the hospital lots of times but they couldn’t do anything for him. The nurse even told me once something that sounded like: “stop coming here, can’t you see he’s going to die?” But this was the last thing on my mind. I couldn’t even conceive such thought.
It was a very painful period of my life. It hurt so much even thinking about his suffering. Sometimes I felt like it would be better if I just disappeared, I couldn’t take it anymore.
It was more and more obvious to me that I could not help him. And that it is not in my power to heal him. And I understood something that I still believe today: you cannot heal someone without their permission; you cannot help anyone if they are not asking for help. So I gave up! I was defeated! I said to God: “I surrender! I trust you to take care of him! I acknowledge you have a plan for all of us. And if it is your plan for him to die than I accept it!”
One day my mother called us to tell us he is unconscious and that we should come home because she doesn’t think he will hold on for much longer. When I got home I was shocked to see him. He was unconscious, he could not move, but he had his eyes opened and he looked trapped in his defective body. We talked to him and he seemed to be reacting a little when we showed up in the room.
At one point when I was alone with him in the room, I took his hand and, for the first time in my life I told him I loved him. I told him that everything is going to be ok and his eyes filled with tears. I never told him before that I loved him. He was very distant with us and I never had the courage of telling him about my feelings even though I loved him so much!
Until the next day he was back from the dead. He got better and better and the next week it was the funniest, best week of my life. He was so funny & crazy & happy. He was more childish, he ate more, he made jokes, and he made us laugh all the time. He wanted to be bathed; he wanted to listen to classical music and surf the internet at 6 a.m.
He asked for something and than he couldn’t remember what he wanted and as we were asking him what he wants he said laughing: “Don’t you know I’m crazy? How could I know what I want?” And we laughed and laughed all week long! Everybody was amazed of his recovery!
After a week, my brother and I had to go back to Bucharest. He was kind of sad as we left and when I asked why, he said with sadness in his voice, like a little child: “Didn’t you hear that I’m going to die?”
And he died two days later…
Writing this here brings tears into my eyes, but I didn’t cry at all at that time.
All those months trying to heal my father, it was me who was actually healed.
I finally accepted my father’s death as I never thought I will. I knew he wasn’t gone!
I knew and felt that death is not the end. I knew that nothing is lost but all is continuously transforming and death is just another transformation. I will never fear death again. So I am finally free to live my life as I never did before because when you live your life in the shadow of death, you are already dead.
I struggled so hard to keep my father alive, I hoped and prayed that I could heal him and in fact it was the very death of him that I needed to accept. We often hold on so tight of some ideas or things we think are the best for us that we miss the very things that are really necessary. It wasn’t until I let myself and the healing of my father in the hands of God that I could accept his death and I really accepted the pain into my heart. And everything that is accepted into the heart is transformed into love.
I actually felt all the pain gathered inside me in all these month of suffering transforming into love and filling up my heart. This love, this bliss, has been with me ever since!
Many of us try to understand our painful experiences with out minds and we can’t. Only the heart can heal the pain. Open your heart and be willing to receive the pain, be opened to any experience, no matter how horrible it may seem, no matter how big the pain may appear to be, open your heart and let it in and the heart will do what only she can do, will transform all pain into LOVE. The heart will help you heal!
Accept everything that happens to you, stop struggling, stop thinking you know it all, abandon your life in the hands of God and you will experience pure love!
I learned so much from this experience!
* I am aware that any healing must come from inside and you must heal yourself before being able to help someone else. Nobody can be healed unless they want to.
* The way we think is totally affecting our body! Criticism, not loving yourself, complaining and not accepting what is happening in your life are damaging your body and creating negative experiences.
* I know that death is not the end and death can be so empowering! Our ancestors (dacii) knew that as they celebrated death instead of mourning.
* I know that there is a plan for every one of us and we must trust that the energy that gave us life is wise enough to take care of us. Nothing is random. All has meaning, every experience is meaningful
* There is no right or wrong. Only we label things as right or wrong and assuming that something is wrong for us and constantly running from it is not always right. There are certain so called “bad” experiences that we must go through so we can evolve and grow stronger.
* The heart is much more powerful than the brain. Stop trying to figure all things out with your mind. Stop trying to understand it all. Just accept all emotions into your heart and experience magic. It's not about healing your heart, it's about your heart healing you!
I am at peace now and I thank my father from the bottom of my heart for everything he did for me. I send him my love and I receive his.
THANK YOU for reading this!